so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
