i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
