Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
