The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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