): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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