and my herpes radar will keep us safe
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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