btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
