I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
