after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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