I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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