I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
