Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
