If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
