she looked like the bat from fern gully.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
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Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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