Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
