i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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