I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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