So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
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