I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Randomize
