Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
