Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
