im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
