Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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