I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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