It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
