My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
