i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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