You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
