We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
