I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
