my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
