I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
