The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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