the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
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Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
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just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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