I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
