shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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