I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
