Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
