My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
