I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
