3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
