Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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