in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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