I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
