Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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