Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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