Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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