remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
