Dual....:-)
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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