i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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