Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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