im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We just shotgunned beers for America
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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