you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
