good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He felt like a one man threesome
I queefed so loud it echoed.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
