You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
