the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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