one word: firstdatebathroomanal
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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